The days in life when you wake up finding yourself in a grumpy, hazy state of exhaustion hit today. I was awake but my body felt like a heavy rock of depression not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. Finding a smile was like going on a wild goose chase and coming up short. This state of mind is everything I work so hard at staying away from but it still seems to find me from time to time. All I know I can do is disconnect from the struggle to release the monster lurking in my head and show the poor monster some love and compassion.

As I start dissecting my state of mind I feel ridiculous for having such feelings when so many positive ventures are happening in my life. But no matter how much I ridicule myself for feeling down nothing changes. Have I not been giving my spiritual self enough attention? I lay in my bed, close my eyes, and begin an awkward conversation with God, or a higher power, or Allah, or thin air, or maybe it really is God. Whatever the case may be I have returned and am asking for guidance to free me of my current state.

I work very hard at being honest and holding everyone around me in love and compassion. But I still struggle and trust that everyone does. It's one of the many tests in life and at times I feel defeated. I know I don't always have the answer but it doesn't stop me from pushing forward. Part of living life is feeling all their is to feel. There will be people we meet that we just can't seem to understand or get along with. There will be days that are filled with confused depression and it's safe to say that I get on my own nerves because of it.

The day is done and I'm almost through with a long and dreary Saturday. My mind is bleak and my lackluster mood is present still but my smile knows that life is short. I eat my emotions away with a spoon and a nice portion of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream (Phish food happens to bethe flavor of tonight) and I confront the Monster in my head. I know that I am the creator of my own reality, I'm  the ruler of my thoughts and actions and ultimately I choose the direction. I provoke the Monster by wrapping him and the my worries that feed him in red roses and send them off with love. Although my Monster and I enjoyed a day of misery together, I'm ready for my smile to return.